Over on the left sidebar you will see that the virtue chosen for me this year by our Secular Franciscan Fraternity is: serenity.
I laughed my head off when this was announced. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I am usually anything but serene. So, OK, something to work on.
And I do feel that this year I have been given the gift, the strength of this virtue. I haven’t obsessed and felt anxious to the degree that I usually do over small things. I think that this is the first time in the 8 years or so that I have participated in the Extraction of Saints, and been given a virtue to work on, that I have felt that I’ve improved in practicing this virtue.
Which leads me to today. Tonight is the first night that I will preside over our SFO meeting as Minister of our fraternity. YIKES! I do not feel that leading fraternity meetings is one of my strengths. I’m hesitant to reel people back in when they veer off track (and we have some wonderful members who can veer way off track). Surely I’ll get better at it with a little more experience, but I don’t want to treat my fraternity members like my children or my students. For one thing, these are “more than” my peers–they are my elders; in some cases they are old enough to be my grandmother, and I don’t want to step on their toes.
I also have this dread feeling that I am being “watched” and my performance tonight will be “evaluated.” The last thing I need or want tonight is someone whose purpose there is to give me a report card.
Finally, tonight is our first meeting in our new meeting space, and that means the entire fraternity will be feeling a little unsettled.
So there is no serenity now.