I want to be strong

I’m working on distracting myself from thinking about a medical appointment I have tomorrow. It was working for a while, until I finished the novel I was reading. So I may as well just give in to it.

This is not a critical medical issue but it is one that I want to resolve, and the sooner the better. I’m not pleased with my doctor, though; he is very good at explaining things in layman’s terms, but he is not at all receptive to a patient who questions (and refuses) certain courses of treatment. My guess is that he’s not used to being challenged, and it clearly bugs him.

If I start over with a new doctor, I’ll have to start over. I don’t want to wait for the time it will take to find a new doctor and be re-evaluated. At this point I’d rather just stick with the doctor I have and just get things resolved.

Tomorrow morning I will be nervous, but before my appointment I’ll have the chance to attend Mass and the St. Anthony novena. Meanwhile, I have this old camp song running through my head. I’ll need it, because I’m sure there is going to be some disagreement tomorrow, and I don’t do well with conflict. Thus far, though, I have made it clear to the doctor just what treatments I am not willing to accept. And I’m not changing my mind.

I don’t know all the words to the song but here’s what I can remember, from my days of working at camp 20 years ago this summer:

“Oh, I want to be strong,
To be strong as the land around me
I want a heart that’s as wide as the sky
I want a spirit like a moving mountain stream
I want to look people straight in the eye.

Walking along beneath a canopy of cloud
Feeling like a stranger in the midst of a crowd
I know that something great is calling me out loud.
I know that I must choose.”

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