Sometimes being the leader has its pitfalls.

I have mentioned before that as the minister of my Secular Franciscan fraternity, it falls to me to be the meeting leader. I find this difficult because of the age difference among our members. It’s uncomfortable for me to try to get people who could be my grandmother to stay on topic, when they take a stroll down Memory Lane in the middle of ongoing formation or the business meeting.

In our fraternity we have a lovely older woman who resembles “Aunt Bethany” from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation more and more with each passing minute. We all love her, and we all understand the medical conditions that she suffers with, that cause her to lose track of conversations.

Last night was no exception. We got through formation and the business meeting and then we listened to a report on a wonderful workshop that one of our members attended last month, in Loreto, PA. Then it was time for the closing prayer (that’s my job). So I began. “Let us pray.” Everyone settled down. Just as I was about to begin the prayer, Aunt Bethany piped up, “What county in Pennsylvania did you say St. Francis University is located in?”

About four people simultaneously corrected her: “Aunt Bethany! We’re PRAYING!”

I just sat there trying my hardest not to laugh, or look at anyone, because all I could think of was Uncle Louis with his toupee falling off, yelling, “The BLESSING! They want YOU to say the BLESSING!”

I swear it was only by the grace of God that I was able to get through that prayer with any kind of composure at all. But sometimes, just like when you deal with children, it’s more charitable to see the humor than to lose your patience.

My nieces notice, and comment upon, my Tau cross often. They consider it just a fashion accessory–but one I’m always wearing.

Today, one of them was complaining about the fact that the Tau has three knots on the cord–one on one side of the cross and two on the other.

“Aunt Bb,” she asked, “why can’t you put another knot in the other side of that cord? It drives me crazy that you have two on one side but one on the other.”

“There are supposed to be three knots on the cord, not four.”

I couldn’t remember off the top of my head what the three knots are really all about, when she asked me this. I answered, “I think they are to symbolize faith, hope and charity.” (A good guess, but wrong…Bad Franciscan!!)

“Well, if you put in one more knot, they could be for faith, hope, charity and me!”

I guess she wants to make sure that I think of her often. I do, even if I don’t put an extra knot in my Tau cord in her honor!

That’s what we want for our families and for those we love.

And I think that was behind my post last week about my Secular Franciscan family and our slightly-past-Christmas Extraction of Saints.

At our Council meeting we decided not to dwell on “who prays for me” and we tried to gently steer the discussion off that topic when it veered there. And we knew it would, because it always does. And no matter what we said, it was going to happen, because that’s where some of our members are. There was one member who spent the evening making a list of “who prays for whom” on the back of the prayer page.

We had to let that go.

It occurred to me this morning that this whole thing frustrates us because we want the best for our family–in this case our Franciscan family. We want our brothers and sisters to truly benefit from what is truly a spiritual event in our fraternal life.

And it’s OK to do a little joking here and there, like we did when the virtue of Hospitality was chosen for our Minister and everyone told him that this meant his wife was off the hook for cleaning duty when they entertain. I think that was offset by the smiles or kind and heartfelt “thank yous” that were exchanged when announcements were made of who would benefit from special prayer by a certain member this coming year.

Our Fraternity can and will grow in love and virtue because we do have many wonderful members who truly care about each other, and we do have members who care about the ongoing formation of our members. When you love someone, you want the best for them.

Amazingly, it’s not my kids to whom I’d like to address that statement. (Usually it is, but not this time.)

It’s my Franciscan brothers and sisters in my Secular Franciscan Fraternity.

Next Friday we will begin our year together with our traditional Extraction of Saints. At the Extraction we receive not only the name of a saint (often a Franciscan saint, but not always) to study and even emulate during the year, but also a virtue which we should try to cultivate, a Franciscan quote to inspire us, and the name of another member of the Fraternity or a friar or Sister from our parish to keep in special prayer during the year.

Doesn’t that sound nice? It really is nice. But there’s something that’s been going on in past years that frustrates me, and I’m stewing about how to head it off at the pass.

I really should be praying about it. And I will.

Here’s the situation. Everyone winds up winking and nodding about the virtues that come up. Sometimes it’s a compliment, like “You are already so patient, why would you need to work on that?” and sometimes it’s more like “wink wink nudge nudge, God sure knew what He was doing when he picked that for you.” And worse than that, it winds up being an evening of “what’s in it for me” as people only want to know who is praying for them. Sure, it’s nice that someone in the Fraternity is going to hold you and your intentions in special prayer this year. But what you really need to remember is that you are expected to the same for someone else! It has gotten to the point that someone in attendance is asked to keep a list of “who prays for whom.”

Well, I don’t want to do that. I don’t think that’s what we’re there for, to be so busy worrying about “who prays for me.” If we all work to foster a connection (through prayer and maybe even an occasional note, phone call or verbal wish of encouragement) with the person we are keeping in prayer this year, we won’t need that list.

I find it hard to take a stand in my Fraternity because of my age….it’s a “don’t disagree with your elders” thing. I can write very diplomatically but don’t put me in a room and ask me to correct the behavior of another adult, especially an older adult.

Tomorrow night I will be bringing this issue up at our Council meeting. Please pray that I will find the right way to approach this issue at Council and on Friday at our Extraction of Saints, so that it will be a prayerful and fruitful experience for our members and guests.

UPDATED: I really appreciate the comments I have gotten on this post and I have been thinking of how to handle all of this nicely. I did come up with one suggestion that I will make to Council tonight: put addresses and phone #s on the card with the names. We can announce before we begin that we have done this, so that it will be easier for us to contact our “prayer partner” to ask if they have prayer requests, or send an encouraging note.

Every year our Secular Franciscan fraternity has several traditional events.

First, we have our Extraction of Saints during the Christmas season. Each person is given the name of a patron saint for the year, a Franciscan quote to meditate on, another Fraternity member’s name to keep in special prayer, and a virtue to work on developing throughout the year.

Later in the year we hold our Day of Recollection. This will be the fourth time our Fraternity has hosted this event. Our speaker is the National Spiritual Director of the Secular Franciscan Order–how do we get such a famous Franciscan, you ask? Here’s our secret: his mom’s a member of our fraternity! (Too bad Ellen can’t come, but her son graduated from high school last night, so I’ll let her take a pass this year. Next year, I hope to see her there!) The topic this year is “Francis’ Canticle of the Creatures.”

As usual I will be running the Franciscan Kitchen for this event. It’s only right. This year the virtue I am to work on is “hospitality.”

I feel like I am scraping the bottom of the hospitality barrel at the moment. But last night after I came in, I read at Summa Mammas that there is grace in just doing the work. I’ll repeat the quote here:

The obedience of faith requires that we do our work. We must go on day after day, simply and humbly, not waiting for chills and thrills. Grace, not revelation, is our daily bread. Grace is enough. Receiving that, in the portion given according to the lovingkindness of our God, we must act responsibly in the situation in which He puts us, as the disciples had to do when left behind at Christ’s ascension. No doubt they felt bewildered and abandoned and would like to have risen with Him through the clouds. When the angels suddenly stood beside them and asked why they were gazing into the sky, they “came down to earth,” as it were, went back to Jerusalem to the lodging where they belonged and carried on with their prayers.

———–Elisabeth Elliot

So, after I am fortified with more coffee and a good breakfast, I will take myself and my freshly-ironed Generalissimama apron with the St. Benedict medal (wasn’t his motto “Ora et labora”–prayer and work) and my extra Sharpies, and I will do my very best to be an instrument of grace and hospitality in the Franciscan Kitchen today.